Bro, What’s That On Your Arm???

“On my right arm, the skin is being peeled apart; with veins and blood visible, a Star of David medallion lays buried in my flesh. True Jewish blood runs through this body.”

This is the description of the “genius” tattoo that my boyfriend proposed to have permanently sketched onto his forearm about a year ago. He was so consumed by the idea that he gushed about it to every one of our friends for about a week.  He thought this was completely appropriate for a person aspiring to work in finance – I can only imagine the laughter that would have ensued from his colleagues after seeing him in a short-sleeved polo shirt on the golf course.  Let’s hear you talk your way out of that one, Arseni.

He spent the first five years of his life in what used to be the USSR. His family struggled to flee the country sending their elderly grandmother first. She established residency in Brookline, MA and the family followed on sponsorship. While his family’s roots are Jewish they are non-practicing due to years of religious suppression created by communism in Russia. Temple and the Torah are not part of their lives, but the culture is unrelenting. I can only imagine what his grandmother (now diseased) would have thought of this monstrosity of a tattoo covering his lower arm.  It would not have been an approval… that is obvious. Perhaps her persuasive speech against the ink would have reminded him of their ancestors who were branded with tattoos in holocaust concentration camps. Sure his intentions are good and seek to constantly remind the world that you can suppress the actions of one’s religion but the Star of David runs through his blood forever.

The culture of tattoos can be quite opposite from Arseni’s desires. While some wish to remind themselves of their past history by tattooing their body, others hope to improve the quality of their life by riding their body of the ink implanted in their skin. For some young children from disadvantaged metropolitan backgrounds, gangs become a way of life. Before they are ever educated enough to form their own opinion and see the destructive path ahead, they are brainwashed into belonging.  Gang tattoos a symbol of membership are often placed on hands, arms, and even the face. Visible gang tattoos can often limit job prospects and carry social stigmas that might hold children back from succeeding. Thanks to laser technology children and adults who wish to free themselves from the branding have an option that truly works! The intense laser light shatters the pigment that the tattoo artist’s needle leaves beneath the skin, breaking it up into very fine pieces, allowing it to be absorbed by the body. Full results take several sessions but leave the individual with no visible scarring or evidence that the tattoo ever existed. Several government funded programs and charitable efforts of dermatologists across the country have offered minors with gang tattoos free removal. It is inspiring to see medical discoveries put to good use.

Thankfully Arseni agrees that his Star of David image would be far more powerful painted in oil, on canvas. Now on to a successful career sans tattoo!

Here are some other individuals who also had GREAT tattoo ideas once upon a time….

AND ONE MORE…..

For more information on Tattoo Removal please visit New Look Laser Tattoo Removal’s Tattoo Removal Guide  (http://www.newlookhouston.com/TattooRemoval.html)


Lay me down…

4/15/12

Earlier that Sunday while leaving the house to get brunch me, Arseni, and Randy (of course) were discussing plans for the following week. Arseni and I were flying home to Boston for a week, so Randy was planning to stay at our place. You see Randy lives in the South Bay so every weekend he is in the city with us. In our one bedroom studio. The one with no doors between the living room, kitchen or bedroom.

 

Randy: “next weekend, I am definitely going to bring a nice girlie back to your place after the bar”

Arseni: “hell yeah bro! At least someone in this house will be getting laid”

Me: “Seriously?”

 

What the hell is that? We are a super sexually charged couple… no doubt about it. Sex happens EVERYDAY…eryday, eryday, fuck what Arseni say.

Look buddy, if you want more…. Which I ALWAYS do, then maybe you could consider NOT inviting your bros or your ex-girlfriend (that’s another story) to sleep over every single weekend! I miss the days when we didn’t leave the house or the bed on Sundays….


Married…. say wha???

4/15/12 9:46pm

So Sunday night while taking the trash out back (yes he does perform manly duties but only after being prompted to do so AND making sure he has bitched about it first) Arseni met our very adorable gay neighbors J and P. Being the super hospitable couple they are, we were immediately invited upstairs for wine and my first experience with the Volcano. Randy was still hanging out after a long weekend of partying so he too came upstairs to meet our gaybors. The five of us were sitting on the couch conversing, when P finds out that I work in the medical field. He wants to know what my opinion on the legalization of medical marijuana is.

 

P: “so I have already asked your husband this but, Alicia what are your views on signing the petition for medical marijuana?”

To which Arseni rudely interrupts any chance I may have had to share my opinion, just to make sure everyone knows what our marital status is

Arseni: “Woah, woah! Lets get two things strait: ONE, anyone who disagrees with the legalization of marijuana is an idiot, and TWO I am definitely not married to HER!”

 

Of course Arseni and Randy both burst out laughing like eighth grade boys, while J, P, and I all sat there strait faced watching the idiots laugh at their own immature joke. This was a NOT a brush it off moment… I was furious! I maintained my composure until we walked downstairs to our place and Randy left for the evening. After that, all hell broke loose…. Bitch mode in full effect. Heaven forbid someone would mistake a late 20′s couple, who just moved 3,000 miles away from family and friends together, to be married???? No way! You made a fool out of me and an ass of yourself.


Legs

4/13/12

While driving through the Marina on a Saturday night we were stopped at a red light. Randy was driving, Arseni was in the passengers seat and myself and another friend in the back. Arseni is staring out the window at group of Asian girls in skintight miniskirts and five inch heels waiting to cross the street.

 

Arseni: “Mmm… Mmmm… look at all those legs”

Two minutes later…. what seemed like the longest red light ever, the poor girls are still standing there waiting to cross.

Arseni: “Ugggh… Legs for days mm..mm, yum”

 

If I ever attempted to leave the house in an outfit like that I would be sent strait back to the closet and forced to change. There would be no ego boosting commentary like “baby you look hot” it would just be a “what the hell are you wearing?” Yet, the girls who exit the house in this skimpy attire are what he drools over… this makes perfect sense, right? Fawn over the skank, but make sure yours is dressed in a paper bag! Boo…


The Drive In

4/15/12  6:18p

One night I am was trying to convince Arseni that we should take his car (a two seat convertible) and go see a drive in movie, he OF COURSE was trying to convince me that it would be more fun if we took Randy’s Jeep and all went together… I was thinking sure, take a cute little date night and turn it into a drinking fest. Oh, and while your at it… shove me in the back seat behind you two big heads so I can really see the screen!

 

Me: “big cars aren’t fun to go to a drive in movie theater in, it’s better with just two people so you can see the screen”

Arseni: “No, no!. TRUST me, I have been to a drive in a two seater, you cant do anything with the other person because the center console is all big, and in the way and stuff”

 

Thank you! Why was it necessary to share that you used to violate your dates at a drive in theater?  And secondly, why would you even think that would happen? I’m not 16, I don’t want to be fingered in a parking lot.


Pick and Choose Your Battles

I am a firm believer that it is unrealistic to change who a person is naturally. In a relationship you must accept all aspects of your lover, picking and choosing which negative traits (they all have them) are actually worth the grief, choose wisely. Men will do as they please weather you like it or not. This means that all of those caveman like activities that you think you can train your man out of, you can’t. Sure, you might guilt them they into temporarily halting their behavior, but eventually they will end up doing it behind your back. I would much rather know and accept all the dirty traits about my boyfriend than create a secretive environment. For example, porn: every man loves porn, whether or not you choose to accept it, they are watching it. Wouldn’t you rather know? In doing so you also gain an understanding of what they fantasize about. And for those who dare to take acceptance to another level, watch porn with them… they’ll thank you for it.

This also pertains to the type of talk that goes on man-to man, bro to bro (west coast translation bra to bra). It is crude, obscenely honest, and solely focused on one thing, “pussy”.  When men get together it’s like the turbo testosterone has been put into full throttle. They look at women and they talk about it.  It doesn’t mean a thing to them, and tomorrow chances are they will not even remember the conversation. My interpretation is that it’s their way of zoning out and relating to each other, they turn off their brains and think with their cock. Girls, think of it this way, just because you may be the proud owner of the cutest little puppy on the block, it doesn’t stop you from being completely mesmerized by every puppy you stop to pet on the sidewalk. You may gush over them for a few moments but you don’t think about them again and they are not coming home with you! Now, there are men out there that consider their girlfriends presence and filter their commentary. My boyfriend Arseni is NOT one of them especially in front of the bros.  His Russian background has imbedded in him a need to be the ultimate entertainer, partier and host…. And womanizer. I can’t lie this is challenging, but there are many tactics for brushing it off, or bringing them (or him) back to reality with grace… or just pulling the bitch card when necessary.

In all honesty, these moments in time are quite comical due to their ridiculousness. I often wish that someone filmed what I experience on a daily basis, just so another female could relate. The following quotes, stories, and thoughts are a collection moments when Arseni deserves to be nominated for the asshole of the year award.

 

The idea for this site came about after spending a series of weekends with Arseni and one of his best buddies, Randy. We are all new residents of San Francisco, Randy being here less than a month and Arseni and I about four months now. Arseni and I moved together from Boston to advance our careers and start a life together. Randy (also from Boston) is single and on the prowl to meet as many SF girls as he can, but hopefully the right one. Arseni naturally is his go to wingman. This is all fine and dandy until I have to be subjected to it, over and over and over again… This trio dynamic has certainly brought out the worst in Arseni. I am constantly reminding both of them that I am not a bro I am a lady, so respect! Randy aka the Tabloid had the brilliant instigator idea that I should start writing down all the over the top sexist, degrading, demeaning, and disrespectful comments that Arseni makes. Of course keeping a log will only fuel Arseni’s fire, but also serve as on outlet for my thoughts on his appalling words.